By now you’ve failed all your fitness goals for 2013. Don’t be hard on yourself, most people don’t keep up with their New Year’s fitness resolution for more than 15 days. Consider yourself as average as everybody else. Oh and still obese. Don’t beat yourself up about that either, 63% of Americans are lardasses… just like you. Shit, you don’t want to stand out in a crowd and draw attention to yourself do you? Keep sporting that heart attack weight and you’ll blend right in.
Exercise is overrated anyways. Here are a few reasons why you shouldn’t exercise:
1. You actually have to get off your ass
2. You get hungrier and your food bill goes up
3. You’re not getting laid anyways because you can’t lose ugly
4. It hurts to breath let alone workout
5. You get to keep your handicap sticker if you stay too fat to walk
6. You never see any improvement after 1 day of exercising
7. Taco Bell has a buy 16 tacos get one free special going on
8. They don’t make workout clothes that absorb grease
9. You vomit before, during, and after thinking about the gym
10. Fit people make fun of you at the gym because your ass crack is impossible to cover
11. Your clothes smell like sweat and not bacon, anymore
12. It’s easier to get insulin shots than it is to get a gym membership
13. You have children, a dog, 6 cats, a lardass spouse, and 5 million 12 year olds kicking your ass everyday in Black Ops 2. Who has time to workout?
14. You don’t have the energy to exercise. I’m sure the extra 300lbs of fat constricting your organs has nothing to do with that.
15. You enjoy using 2 seats at the movie theater. It keeps the gross people away
You see, there are lots and lots of reasons you shouldn’t get fit. Why even waste your time even trying to get healthy? It could take years to get in shape enough to actually walk without an oxygen tank. Who has time for that? You could have a heart attack at any minute and worrying about exercising would just all turn out to be worthless anyways.
All the while society is mocking you with their bullshit advertisements. Every time you lace up your Nike’s you think to yourself, Just Do it! Fuck you Nike! Nike should try carrying around and extra person worth of fat and “Just Do It”. Just walking to the toilet hurts like a motherfucker let alone whatever IT is.
Then you have those big breasted bitches trying to sell you some miracle drug or equipment on an infomercial. You hate her face because it reminds you you can’t even see your penis when it’s erect. What a dick tease!
Nothing anybody says can get you motivated enough to workout. Going to work all day is the only work-out you have the energy for. Take it from me as a personal trainer, don’t waste your time or money hoping to get motivated, it’s not going to work. It’s best to save your time and money and invest in a reliable portable AED machine.
Trust me, I only workout everyday because I’m addicted to breathing. Every morning I wake up and ask myself, Why the fuck are you awake at 4am to workout? And every time I answer, I don’t know, but I’m tired as hell and the only way to wake up is to sweat a little. I have 2 choices:
1. Masturbate vigorously for 2 hours
2. Go to gym
After doing number 1 for a couple day and your privates start feeling raw to the touch, number 2 starts gaining more and more appeal. There is only so much lube can do.
The main things you should take away from this blog post are:
1. Exercise sucks
2. Only you can motivate you
3. I can see my penis without it being eclipsed by my gut
4. Life sucks and there is no time to look good and be pissed off
5. Walmart has free powered scooters
I hope this motivated you to sit on your ass more.
(I asked my readers what they wanted to read on my blog and 3 out of 5 said to insult my readers, talk about exercising, and write about life. I think I nailed them all in this post. Thanks for reading lardass!)