This might sound depressing, but trust me, it’s not.
I’ve spent some time lately to think about life. I’m at that age where life is on its downward slope. I’m starting to look back at what I’ve done so far and what I haven’t done. Of course I’ve done a lot to make it this far in life living a good life, but there are things I wish I would’ve done in my prime. Now that I constantly live with some kind of aches or pains, doing the stuff I should’ve done, becomes more and more impossible. I’m at the point of giving up on my dreams. As I write this, I know I’ve already given up and that is hard to admit. All I can do now is explain what I mean.
I know I’m not alone thinking this way. The term, “Midlife Crisis” wouldn’t exist if I was alone. The more human life expectancy gets later and later, the more in-depth midlife crisis becomes. You gain that many more years to think about the years you’ve lost. On average, I have about 40 years left and 40 years lost. At least 20 of those years lost I could’ve made a difference, but I decided to let them pass by doing what I thought was living. I was living, but now I realize there was more life to live. The sad thing is, I know the next 40 years I’ll do the same. I can’t change that, but most likely I won’t because my habits have been deeply imbedded into my life cycle. I’ve realized I’m no different than any other animal on this planet; I live day to day doing nothing but instinctive survival.
I look at people like Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, George Lucas, and Steven Hawkins and see what I could be. There is something in my mind blocking me from doing that though. I can’t even be a Steven King even though I’ve worshipped him since I was old enough to read his books. All those people are geniuses and I can’t even spell genius without spell checker. No matter how hard I try, I know I will never be able to do anything close to what they’ve done. I want to, but my mind is not cut out for it and I know that. I can dream and wish all I want, but my genetic restrict me from being what I wish I could be. This is why I know I’m just another animal no different than a dog or cat.
As you can see so far, this sounds horrible. I’m wallowing in my own self pity because I’m too lazy to get off my ass and change my own life. I’m not sad though. I have a great life filled with people I love very much. Like most people, I spend my days at work and my nights in the company of loved ones. I make enough money to live comfortably. I save enough money to make sure my kids can do what they want in their future. My life is great. There is that one thing in my mind that tugs at me everyday though, I want to do better.
I don’t want more money or to be famous, I just want to be the best I can be. I look at people that have mad humanity better and envy them. They’ve dedicated their lives to help everybody else. They stopped living to live and just lived. You get it? I’m sure it is still stressful and even geniuses think about what they could’ve done at some point, but they know they lived. I’m not so sure I’ve lived to my full potential or even half. I look to the future for what I could do.
Writers like Jules Verne, Gene Roddenberry, Frank Herbert, Harlan Ellison, Philip K. Dick, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, and Arthur C. Clark, fill my mind with things that could happen in the future. I know none of those things will happen in my lifetime. Of course going to war with alien races is not what I mean. I’m talking about exploration of space and seeing what more there is out there. More and more we hear about planets light years away that are in the “Goldilocks Zone”. That is where there is a possibility for life to exist. Getting there is half the battle. The other half is not greedily killing off what we find.
I wish I could be a part of that that future. Not only that, I wish I could help make it possible. With the realization 99% of the human race caught up in killing each other or hating their own life too much to do anything peaceful to further humanity, I lack the will power to even try. I can just place myself in the 99% just waiting to die. I know it sounds morbid, but I’ve searched humanity high and low to prove myself wrong. Just go onto the most peaceful forums post or a joyous YouTube video, it’s only a matter of time before you see the true side of humans. Take the time to go to Walmart or even a fancier store and watch and listen. More times than not, someone will be bitching about something. That is our future not exploring space peacefully.
Our instinctive nature is to show our dominance no matter how pointless it might be. We simply could all just accept one another’s religion, sex, color, or life choices, but we can’t. We kill what is not like us. Even as a nation we can’t even accept our president for who he is. We have to point out flaws, make conspiracy theories, judge on rumor, and hate because that is what we were taught. The funny thing is, we will all die and all those bad things we said about someone else will not change them or the fact that they will die too. Our future as a whole sucks and will never change, because we are just instinctive animals caught in a routine of hate. We will teach our kids that same so we can pass it on after we die.
I don’t want to be a part of that future. I want to change it if I can. Even though I beat my head against a wall realizing that fact that I cannot change everyone or myself, I can still dream of options and hope one day I can figure out how to do it. There is a lot going against me, but I’m sick of just living to die. I just want to do something even though I know it will not change anything. Even writing this I know it won’t be read much or impact anybody’s life. I know those that do read it will do the same as I do forget it and keep living until their days are over. This is not meant to change anybody, but me. It is my letter to myself in hope this is what I need to be a sliver of how I want to be. If I wrote this for you I might have taken years to edit it and make it less of a mind-to-paper rambling. It isn’t even edited.
This is purely what I think from day-to-day. A few thoughts and ideas I needed to get out of my head and see on internet paper. It’s slowly helping me see why. Why is the basic reason we do anything in life. Why should I wake up? Why should I eat? Why should I go to work? Why should I write this? Those are all basic Why’s, but what about the more in-depth Why’s that are harder to answer, like: Why should I change? Why haven’t I? Why is the world so negative? Why haven’t we explored worlds with 3 breasted women yet? I just had to add that one. As silly as it seems, it could be the key to world peace. The exploration thing not the 3 breasts, I think.
All those great people I mentioned before asked Why all the time. Even if some might think some like Steve Jobs, George Lucas, or even Steven King just did it for fame and fortune, they still changed humanity in some form. All geniuses can’t be as righteous as Nikola Tesla. We can all hope the future is built on pure hearted people, but we should take what we can get in this world.
No matter how many times I ask myself how I can do something to change myself to help put a dent in humanity’s downward spiral, I come up blank. How can little old me change the way other’s think and why? My pea brain can’t come up with a good reason. Why would you want to change the world if you could? Why even try if you know you’ll die before it even changes? Why waste your time caring when you can waste your time not caring; which is a whole hell of a lot easier to do? I ask myself these same questions all the time. Unfortunately, I get an answer, I care enough to ask the questions and it burns me every day I don’t do something about it, even if that something is thinking about it again. It is an endless cycle. The more I think about it, the more I care. The more I care, the more I think about it. Something has to give. I either stop caring or I stop thinking. I have, on average, 40 more years of thinking to do. Change is the only option to break the cycle. I need to change something, but what?
Maybe, I should do something like write down my thoughts? I could go a step further and throw those thoughts up on the internet for other people to see. Maybe, some of those people have had the same thoughts in their life? This could strike a chord with them too. It could change them in some way. Even if it doesn’t change anybody, I’m a little bit more at peace with myself for doing it. After all, this is about me and my life.
I don’t know what the next step in the cycle is though. I could write more, think more, or do more. Right now I don’t care really. I’ve finally taken 1 step towards opening up my thoughts so I can make room for more, possibly better, thoughts to flood in. Maybe the next 40 years will be wasted like the first 40, but this, right now, is not time wasted. I finally did something no matter how small it is, it is something in the right direction. I’m no Jules Verne or Steven Hawkins. I’m no genius like Einstein, Newton, or Franklin. I’m not better or different than anybody else, but I’m trying to be a better me.
At times things an look depressing in life and the world, but I can’t get trapped in that life. I’ve seen almost 40 years just pass by watching and not doing. If I don’t do anything now, sooner or later I won’t be able to do anything. What a waste that would be…